I might smell like one, but I’m no fish

No duh, huh? But I did take a lifesaving class in college because it was a 5:1 girl to guy ratio. However, if you see me in the water coming to save you, be afraid, be very afraid.

I used @TheJackB’s picture above BTW, since he told me he was a swimmer. I thought he would at least have a better tan being from California. I am much more svelte and tan than that…….well, maybe more tan………ok, ok, my tan isn’t as good either and that’s not Jack but this is my damn post so I can be anybody I want to. Plus, all insurance guys know there is no diving allowed in 5 ft of water…..at least sober.

So, what’s with the swimming story then?

Sumbich, I hurt my foot playing tennis about 3 months ago and was hoping it would get better on its own. I quit running and kept tennis to once a week; maybe I should have played more tennis…..

I finally went to the doctor and he asked “does it hurt when you play tennis?” I replied “yes” so he then said “well, don’t do that.” However, he said, it would be perfectly fine for you to swim instead.

Lovely; don’t you have a magic boot I can wear so I can keep playing tennis? I found out he has a boot for me alright but it’s not exactly conducive to tennis. In fact, he has shut me down for 6 weeks.

I guess I better grow gills I suppose.

It’s not that I can’t do it

I can swim ok, but as a form of exercise…..not so good; I’d rather be diving for lobster in the Keys. It I ever signed up for a triathalon, swimming would be my downfall. I would have to stay close to the shore so I could touch bottom if necessary; otherwise, there is a good chance my whole body would be touching bottom at some point in time.

Our local YMCA has a very nice 25 meter pool with lanes. Did you know you were supposed to share these lanes? Sumbich again; now I have somebody in my lane pushing me and I’ve already run into them about 3 times when we pass each other. And why does the lifeguard feel it’s necessary to ‘walk’ along with me while I’m thrashing………er, uh swimming my laps?

But you are so fashionable

Sumbich three; I really don’t own a Speedo, that was a myth. I caught so much grief wearing running shorts back in the day, there is no way I’m going to stuff my fat, white, pasty ass in a banana hammock to swim in a pool that is already quite chilly. It would be like trying to stuff a football in a tube sock.

Therefore, I’m relegated to a pair of cut-off jeans, which is certainly acceptable where I live, but not quite the sleek look I was hoping to achieve.

I wonder if the YMCA still lets people swim nekkid anymore?

Too late, I’m all in

I guess I’m committed at this point; I actually went out and bought goggles, so how many laps do I need to swim to at least get my money’s worth? ‘They’ say I will get better if I just stick with it………..hmmm, some people think running is boring; running I could do in my sleep which I did most of the time anyway. This swimming gig is not working out so well for me.

I had big plans getting this lard ass back in shape this year, but I’ve been pretty much dinged up so far, which bites the big one. Don’t they have a pill for this?

How can I be body beautiful if I have Dunlap going on?

The moral of this story

I’m lazy.

Life lesson

I’m really lazy.


The story is mostly true in it’s entirety; hopefully my friend Jack has a sense of humor. Looks like I will be swimming for the next few weeks; that.is.all.


39 thoughts on “I might smell like one, but I’m no fish

  1. LOL! I’d rather swim any day over running. In college I swam every morning before classes. I can feel my heart bouncing around when I run. It hurts!! Long distance through the woods was good…
    An aside…my sister colored her hair in high school and was on the swim team…it turned green (chlorine) and she covered every mirror in the house for weeks!
    Have fun
    Don’t breath in when under water..

    • Ah the green hair; maybe that’s why I stay away from the pool. I’m just an ‘ok’ swimmer, I just never took to it like some did.

      Breathing in under water is not a good thing; that much I do know….:)

  2. Hey Bill, I am a fish. A Pisces, to be precise, but I’m not much of a swimmer either. Give me running any day. At least I can listen to music or an audiobook!

    Sorry about the foot. I hurt my knee earlier this year so I’m off of racquetball for a while. A bunch of bums, aren’t we?

    How about swim trunks? You know there are other swim suits other than Speedos. 😉

    Are you re-thinking that idea of owning the only home in Florida without a swimming pool?

    Finally, I’m no insurance expert, but I wouldn’t call that diving… I’m just sayin’.

    • I have some old man trunks……most of the swimmers in the pool are in Speedos however; not me, no way Jose. I really don’t own cutoffs….:)

      Our previous two houses had pool w/ very little use. I cleaned it more than we swam in it. Our house now does not have one; I miss it at times, but not enough that I still want to clean one. Yes, I know you can pay people to do that, but we never did.

      Running is my most effective fitness, weight maintenance exercise. I hope to be back soon………….good to see ya……..

  3. I don’t know how to swim and I feel jealous of people who know how to swim ;).
    I only travel on boats that have life jackets ( though that rule is broken sometimes, not by me though).

  4. The cutoff jeans look can work. Make sure you’re blasting Foghat in your 73 Camaro when you show up at the pool. Then you’re stylin…

  5. Well RATS ..I was really looking forward to seeing that Speedo in Alaska! By the way I had a pool for 30 yrs..I love cleaning pools..as long as I’m in them..and ya know they make those cool gadgets that zip around and do it on auto..though I have a friend who had hers chase her..that was fun to watch!

    Bum joints and digets..been there..not fun whhen it takes your Fav sport away..heal soon!


    • Ok, I might hold out for Alaska then……..yes, they do have things to make it easier. We had an auto one at the first house but it kept getting stuck in the same place no matter how much we tried to fix it.

      The little dings I can live with; it’s the ones that will only get worse if you don’t shut it down frustrate me the most. My wife says it’s age; I say phhhffft……..:).

      Good to see you; thanks for the comments.

  6. Why is it I so often want to start my comments here with Oh. My. God?


    1) I feel the same about swimming. Just thought you should know.
    2) Speedos should be banned in North America. Europe is still ok.
    3) Sumbitch could be my new fave word.

    • I had fun writing this; I was hoping to get some reactions. Putting the pictures together was fun too…….although one was me but I won’t say which one……..:).

      Yes, let’s leave the Speedos for Europe; I’m ok with that.

      So good to see you.

  7. Ah, swimming–the only sport I was ever any good at! I wasn’t the most coordinated kid–which means I just turned into a mostly uncoordinated adult. Funny how those things don’t just go away;)

    But when you put me in water it just felt like home. I swam in high school and was pretty good if I do say so myself! We grew up with a pool in the backyard so it was second nature. My son will be two this Friday (can’t believe it!) and I’ll be taking him for swim lessons this summer.

    Yeah, I imagine swimming in cutoff jeans kinda works against you. I don’t want you to sink if those pockets fill with water;)

    • I learned to swim in a lake and I was never quite comfortable with some of the creatures you might run in to…….:). It’s good you had an activity you were good at. Even though I’m pretty athletic, running was probably the one sport I did the best in. I have a body built for running….

      I can’t even remember when I actually went swimming cutoffs…probably the swimming lessons in the lake.

      Wow, I can’t believe your son is already two; good luck with the swimming lessons.

      Good to see ya.

  8. Glad you got a photo of Jack in action.

    Belly flopping rules.

    Cutoffs, eh? Made me think of a really bad TV show for some reason. The Dukes of Hazzard … 😉

    In Hawaii there was a couple that walked up and down the beach constantly. A very tan couple that looked almost plastic, but they were showing off their bodies and thought they were cool. Not too cool though … the dude was the one wearing the thong, really … I think I’ve told this story before.

    • Ah yes, Daisy looked much better in cutoffs than I ever even thought about and yes, that was a bad show.

      You have the people of Walmart and the people who shouldn’t wear certain types of bathing suits on the beach……..I don’t care how proud you are of your body………:)

      Good to see you my friend and no, I never dipped……..the one and only time I tried it, I got sick.

  9. So I learned a couple of valuable pieces of information from this post:
    1) I should toss the cutoffs
    2) Bellyflopping IS a competitive sport (yay for that)
    3) Bananahammock is much more fun to say than I remember.

    • Valuable information indeed; make sure you file that away in a very safe place.

      I had fun with this, it was definitely tongue in cheek even though the premise is true.

      Good to see you (twice) today; hope you had a good one.

  10. Sure you don’t own a speedo? 🙂

    I used to swim, but I like running more. Swimming gets kind of boring, and I can’t listen to podcasts or music while I swim, I need something to keep my head busy, or else I’ll make up stories – and who knows what’ll happen during 30+ minutes of swimming.

    • No Speedo, but I still have some old school running shorts which are about just as good………:).

      Swimming is boring to me and the music helps with running. I just need to get my feet and legs healthy again.

      I make up stories all the time BTW……..

  11. Hey Bill! You posted on Wednesday! Are you changing EVERYTHING?! 🙂
    Although I love the water, and by water I mean the beautiful Bras D’Or Lakes in Cape Breton, I’m content to sit on the wharf and dip my feet into it. I’ve never been much of a swimmer and growing up by (and occasionally swimming in) the invigorating salt water lake made swimming in a chlorine pool hard to adjust to.
    Too bad about your foot 😦 Good thing you have a long summer there. Six weeks here could cover an entire summer!

    • Yes, we don’t have many ‘indoor’ days here so I just need to get it well. If something lingers for 3 months, I’m guessing that is when I need to get it checked out I suppose……..

      I like water and don’t mind being in it. However, I’m just an adequate swimmer and really don’t like doing it for exercise…..that much I do know.

      I decided to go ahead and post on Wednesday because it was ready and Monday’s post seemed to run out of steam.

      Hope all is well; I’ll come by and see what you posted shortly.

  12. Poor Bill,

    That’s hilarious, I’m loving your posts more and more. Of course I also have that warped sense of humor too which is probably why.

    Swimming, not my thing either. First off, the neighborhood bully tried to drown me when I was six. To say I’m scarred for life would be correct. I’ve tried so many times to put my head under the water but I jump straight to panic attacks. Damn him..

    Oh but another thing, and probably the most important one, there’s no way in hell I’m ever putting a bathing suit on again. Long story but everything went way south about nine years ago. Yeah I know, what a shame. Gravity, oh how I hate gravity!

    Hang in there Bill. I have no doubt you’ll conquer this one too. You’re just good at that.

    • My oldest son had the same scenario in the water and he has never been a big fan of it ever since.

      This is the type of writing I enjoy; however, it seems it has been more of a struggle this week for comments. I wonder at times if it is too much of a change, but then again, I wasn’t really writing about anything before. Too much thinking I suppose………

      Good to see you and thanks for the kind words; they are always appreciated.

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